when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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