when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
