My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
