Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
