It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
