I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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