worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
