i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
