my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize