ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
