I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
