Just fell off a train. Bad.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
