They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
