nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize