oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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