your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
