god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
