I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
