I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
