Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
