Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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