i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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