im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
