I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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