I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
