Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize