I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
