my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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