Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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