Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
