So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
