just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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