she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
