his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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