I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
