New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
