Swine flu. Run for my life!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
