did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
