omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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