oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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