she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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