If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
