I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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