my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
