i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
it's great music for shaving your balls
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
