I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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