my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
