He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
