Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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