He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
