you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
