you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
