cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just forgot I was standing up.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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