We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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