I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My dick has a subreddit
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
