I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
