Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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