k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
