why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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