I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
