This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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