what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
